


i miss you so much

by sstwins



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: M/M, Masturbation, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29553444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sstwins/pseuds/sstwins
Summary: several years after the loss of ash, eiji still keenly feels his absense
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	i miss you so much

It was cold in Eiji’s Manhattan apartment. But whether that was from the low temperatures or from the lack of a body beside him was anyone’s guess.

Eiji was lonely.

It had been several long, empty years since the loss of Ash, and Eiji still felt it as keenly as when he’d first heard the news. He said he’d be there with Ash utill the end, only to be caught on a plane flying away from him when the boy lost his life. The thought pained him. Maybe things would have been different if he’d stayed, maybe he could have diverted Ash at that crucial time. The fates were cruel to them.

After spending a miserable year in Japan, Eiji knew he couldn’t stay there. He wanted to move close to where Ash had been, so he could still feel him in the city that lived and breathed love and pain. He’d moved back, gotten in touch with Sing again. He’d taken up photography. But there was still a hole in his heart that he doubted he would ever be able to fill.

Images of that boy in his blue jeans played in Eiji’s head on loop. Normally the thoughts were too sad to do anything but circulate in endless rhythms. Tonight, the thoughts were too much.

What would they be doing if Ash was alive? Maybe they would have moved to Japan together, gotten away from this crazy city. Maybe Ash could have become a writer. He would have been good at that.

Eiji conjured up the image of the other boy in his mind’s eye. His glistening gold hair and gleaming green eyes. So pretty… thoughts he shamed himself for when Ash was alive. He knew the pain that they held.

He used to masturbate while thinking of him. He wondered if he still could. 

Eiji gripped himself under his sheets, trying to hold the image of Ash in his mind as he stroked. Ash glistening in the sunlight. The first time they’d kissed… whether Ash had meant it to be romantic or purely to dispense information Eiji would never know. He’d never asked him. Glimpses of the boy’s pale skin caught under the moonlight when they slept together, so close yet still so far apart.

He felt himself becoming hard. He used to come quietly, calling Ash’s name. He wondered if the other boy had ever done the same for him. He wondered if Ash had loved him the way that he’d loved the boy-- purely, without knowing the pain that love would cause. He wondered if Ash had thought of him while he was dying.

Now the tears came, a slow stream after all these years. Eiji stilled his hand to wipe at them, the cloying sobs coming faster when he smelled his precum on his fingers. He was trying to act like he was a little boy again, but there was no point to it. He would never love another like he loved Ash. And Ash was never coming back.

Any hardness had wilted under the force of his tears. Eiji pulled his blankets tight around him, willing the cold away.

“Ash,” he choked out. “Ash, I miss you so much.”

The sound of his cries carried him to sleep. In his dreams, a beautiful boy with golden hair danced forever under the moonlight.


End file.
